"Should" Is an Act of Violence Against Truth; How Shame Keeps us Lost in Deception

Imagine this: You’re standing in the pouring rain, drenched head to toe, shaking your fists at the sky.

“Stop raining! This shouldn’t be happening! You’re ruining my day!”

Meanwhile, the clouds carry on, happily pouring down onto the earth, watering the trees, filling the rivers. And there you are—miserable, shivering—too busy protesting the weather to grab an umbrella.

Or picture yourself sitting across from your cat, utterly exasperated.

“Why can’t you just be more like a dog?”

Your cat blinks at you. Purring. Scratching up the sofa. Waiting for some other kind of stimulation.

That sounds like complete lunacy, doesn’t it?

And yet, we do this every day.

We tell ourselves we should be happier, more productive, more successful. (A war with ourselves.)

We demand that others be more understanding, more kind, more like we want them to be. (Asking the cat to be a dog.)

We look at the world and insist it shouldn’t be this way. (Demanding the clouds not to rain.)

There is never a problem with reality. The only problem is the way we believe reality should be.

The gap between our expectations and our reality is the battlefield where our suffering lives.

And as long as we believe “should” can change reality, we’ll keep swinging at thin air—exhausted, frustrated, and no closer to peace.

How “Should” Keeps Us Stuck

We don’t learn to “should” ourselves out of nowhere. It’s something we’re taught—woven into us by parents, teachers, and society. A strategy meant to control behavior, keep us safe, and push us toward self-improvement.

But what really happens?

Instead of motivating us, should becomes a weapon we turn against ourselves. A shame whip that keeps us in line.

• “I should be more productive” really means I am not enough unless I’m constantly achieving.

• “I should be a better friend/partner/parent” really means I don’t deserve love unless I perform perfectly.

• “I should just be grateful” really means I’m not allowed to struggle.

At first, this tactic seems to work. The shame whip gets us moving, striving, proving ourselves. But it runs on a hidden assumption: I am not enough as I am.

Which means the only way to stay motivated is to keep proving our unworthiness—so we’ll stay chasing, striving, trying harder.

It’s exhausting. It never ends. And worst of all? It doesn’t actually make us better.

A.S. Neill and the Power of Acceptance

A.S. Neill, founder of Summerhill, understood this better than anyone.

He worked with so-called “bad kids.” The troublemakers. The rebels. The ones other schools had given up on.

Instead of trying to fix them, Neill did something radical: he accepted them exactly as they were.

And what happened?

They changed.

Not because they were forced to, but because they were finally standing on solid ground. For the first time, they weren’t fighting to prove or defend themselves. They were free to actually be themselves. And from that place, growth happened naturally.

Neill put it best:

“Every child has a god in him. Our attempts to mold the child will turn the god into a devil.”

The same is true for us.

We don’t become better by being told we’re not enough.

We don’t whip ourselves into becoming who we want to be. We step into it once we stop fighting who we are.

The Truth That Changes Everything

Here’s the paradox: The more we believe something “should” be different, the less power we have to change it.

Because we’re starting from the false ground of how we wish things were, instead of the solid ground of how things actually are.

And when we start from false ground, every step forward is shaky.

Take something real—something that actually matters.

Many of us long for a more compassionate world. We see the political tensions, the division, the way people treat each other, and we feel it deep in our bones.

And that longing? That ache for kindness, for understanding, for something better?

That’s beautiful. That’s not something to suppress or ignore. It speaks to the kind of world we want to help create.

And—it’s not the world we’re living in. Not yet.

This is where we get stuck. We resist reality. We spend our energy wishing things were different instead of actually making them different.

But there’s another way.

How to Break Free from the “Should” War

It’s simple, but not easy.

Let’s apply this to something real—our wish for a more compassionate world.

1. Acknowledge reality exactly as it is.

No resistance, no denial. Just seeing things clearly:

Right now, people are angry.
They’re divided.
Political tensions are high.
I don’t like the president.
Many conversations are more about winning than understanding.

This is not about approval. It’s not about resignation. It’s about stepping onto solid ground.

Because we can’t build something new if we’re still trying to knock down what shouldn’t exist.

2. Notice what we would love to see instead.

This is the shift that matters. Instead of wishing things weren’t the way they are, we get clear on what we do want:

We want a world where people listen before they react
We want a world where kindness is prioritized
We want a world where people don’t see each other as enemies

When we shift from resisting what is to creating what could be, we stop fighting ghosts and start building something real.

3. Commit to taking real action.

Instead of waiting for the world to change, we become the change.

We ask: What’s one real thing I can do today that moves this forward?

Can I act justly to those that I think are being treated poorly? Can I speak honestly, and with compassion, refusing to add more hatred to the conversation? Can I listen, not just to respond, but to understand?

This is where power lives. Not in wishing things were different, but in choosing how we show up.

Because when we stop demanding reality be different and start creating something different, everything changes.

We move from war to creation. From exhaustion to impact.

And most importantly? We stop being prisoners to the shame whip, waiting for “enoughness” to arrive before we start living.

A Final Challenge

Want to test this for yourself? Take one of your biggest “shoulds” right now. Something you’ve been resisting, fighting against, or feeling hopeless about.

Instead of wrestling it, try this:

• Name it as it is. (“Right now, people are divided.”)

• Acknowledge what we wish were true. (“I’d love to see more compassion and understanding.”)

• Take one small step in that direction. (“I’ll have a conversation today where I listen before I react.”)

Notice what happens.

When we fight reality, we create a war.

When we meet reality where it is, we see the truth—it’s never been fighting us. It’s been waiting.

Waiting for us to stop resisting and start creating.

Because the more energy we spend demanding how things should be, the less energy we have to create what could be.

When we close the gap between reality and expectation, we can shake reality’s hand—working with it to build the world we actually want to live in.

Go create.