Don’t Forgive and Forget, Forget Forgiveness: Why Letting Go Keeps us Stuck

You don’t need to forgive yourself.

You need to give up the idea of forgiveness entirely.

That might sound ridiculous—maybe even impossible. We’ve been taught that forgiveness is the path to healing. That in order to move forward, we have to “let go” and “forgive ourselves.”

But what if I told you that’s exactly what’s keeping you stuck?

Because in order to forgive, you first have to blame. And as long as you believe you’re to blame, part of you will always be waiting for proof that you won’t make the same mistake again.

That’s why self-forgiveness often doesn’t work. Deep down, we don’t trust ourselves enough to believe we deserve it.

So we stay locked in guilt, calling it accountability.

We punish ourselves, calling it growth.

But guilt isn’t growth. Guilt is stagnation.

And real change? It doesn’t come from blame. It comes from something else entirely.

The Forgiveness Trap

Forgiveness and blame are two sides of the same coin.

They both require a fundamental belief: that you should have done better than you did.

And that belief? It’s the problem.

A mistake is, by definition, something you didn’t intend. If you had full awareness, full control, and could have done better in the moment, you would have.

But when we frame mistakes as moral failures, we trap ourselves in a broken system:

• We blame ourselves, believing we should have known better.

• That blame turns into guilt and shame.

• We try to forgive ourselves, but deep down, we don’t trust that we won’t do it again.

• So we keep punishing ourselves, hoping that guilt will somehow keep us in line.

And the worst part? None of this actually helps us grow.

We think guilt will hold us accountable. Instead, it keeps us stuck in the past.

We think self-punishment will keep us from making the same mistake again. Instead, it makes us so afraid of failure that we avoid the very experiences that could help us learn.

This isn’t accountability.

It’s self-inflicted suffering.

And if you want to actually change? You don’t need forgiveness.

You need a different framework altogether.

Screw Forgiveness. Try This Instead.

When you drop both blame and forgiveness, you make space for something much more useful:

• Compassion – Understanding why you made the mistake in the first place. What led to it? What were you struggling with? What did you not yet know?

• Accountability – Using that information to repair what you can now and prevent it in the future. Not because you’re punishing yourself, but because you care about your impact.

That’s it.

No shame spiral. No self-flagellation. No waiting to feel like you deserve to move forward.

Just honesty, repair, and real change.

When you let go of blame, you don’t need forgiveness. Because there’s nothing to be forgiven for.

The Shift That Changes Everything

Most people think healing looks like this:

"I was so selfish. I hate that I hurt them. I need to find a way to forgive myself."

But real growth looks like this:

"I didn’t show up the way I wanted to, and that’s hard to sit with. What caused me to act that way? What can I do now to make things right?"

Notice the difference?

One path keeps you locked in guilt and self-judgment. The other keeps you rooted in learning and forward movement.

Forgiveness is about proving you’re worthy of another chance.

Growth is about taking another chance and making it count.

No Blame. No Forgiveness. Just Growth.

You don’t need to “earn” your own forgiveness. You don’t need to punish yourself to prove you’ve learned.

You need to:

• Acknowledge what happened.

• Take responsibility.

• Make amends if you can.

• Use the experience to grow.

That’s real healing.

That’s real self-trust.

When you stop waiting for permission to move forward, you realize something:

You’ve already been moving forward all along.